Crocheting My Own Story
I have been working on this blanket for a long time. It changes and grows just like I have. Each knot tells a different story. That one line with a curious bump from where I fell asleep crocheting after spending the day trying to help my daughter through a rough spot. The one where I miscounted the stitches while laughing so hard as my husband attempted to crochet, too, and made all kinds of knots. The line where I had been crying all day long because the pressure of all the things seemed to suffocate me, and this was a release I could handle. Each stitch represents a day this year when I found refuge in a simple task, no matter how tiring (it wears your arms out) and fulfilling it is. There is something about being able to say; I made this.
This blanket, although incomplete, is a tangible reflection of all my accomplishments and moments captured in my mind. In looking forward to 2023, part of me wants to go about it by making all these plans and having all these ideas about executing a perfect year—a plan to go forward and try to accomplish no matter how complicated or daunting it might seem. The problem is, just like this blanket, life isn’t perfect. It will never be perfect. So why is it that year after year, I keep trying to make it that way?
Yes, I look back and am thrilled with all the adventures we’ve had and experiences I’ve been lucky enough to endure, but at the same time, I have this running list of things I didn’t do. Shortcomings in the life that I aspire to have.
It’s detrimental to my growth.
It’s as if I won’t allow myself to be satisfied by myself. No more; things have got to change, I’m too old, and I’ve evolved too much as a person to let my thinking of destruction get in the way.
Instead of looking into 2023 with a list of things I want to do, something I genuinely may or may not get to, I am looking at it through a lens of romance and what I want to feel. Life is about feeling, the warmth of a hug after a long day at work, the tenderness of an enjoyable hot meal, and the pure joy you feel when hanging out with someone you love and care about. The best parts of life are the little unplanned moments that happen when you don’t expect them.
Don’t get me wrong, I will share my weekly plans, what I’m into right now, what I’m reading, fun trips, and all that jive on Instagram and here on the blog, but that’s because those moments make up a collection I will continue to cultivate. Still, the intense planning to keep up with what’s trending that I’m done with. So instead of resolutions, I want to talk about some things on my mind. A year-end confessional, if you will. It feels right, even if no one is listening ( I hope someone is listening, so I have an accountability partner).
First, as I said, I’m done with trends; this is my story, not theirs.
I tried it, genuinely tried to keep up with the Disney Flatlays and the park ambiance even when I’m not there, the aesthetic feel of popular feeds, or the latest and greatest TV shows and items on the market, and you know what I found out? It’s not me. It doesn’t feel like me. It feels like I’m spending a bunch of money and putting on a face that isn’t who I am. I love antiques and Disney, but I’m not too fond of Loungefly backpacks. Yup, I said it. I want to love them, and yes, they are super cute for someone, but for me pushing 40, they are not it. It’s just not practical every day. Also, my lifestyle doesn’t warrant a ton of graphic tees or even a ton of cosplay-like attire. I can’t do it. So instead, I am a small dainty Disney jewelry piece, a bag charm, a nod in color, or a dress. Those things are the Disney in me.
Regarding other trends like TV shows or this “fantastic item” you “need,” my favorite thing on TV is period dramas and rewatching Once Upon a Time as a family. Product-wise, chances are it’s not sold in stores in our area, and I have to order it online, which I don’t, or it doesn’t fit me as a person, so why even try? Even more so, I live the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle and have a ton of skin allergies, so even attempting some of these things is futile for me. Finally, I need it to be completely clean, so why waste time investigating when I know it isn’t going to work out?
Second, I finally figured out my style aesthetic.
Hear me out; I have been changing my feed on Instagram and my wardrobe for what seems like forever. Part trying to figure out how I “fit” in society, and part trying to figure out what mid 30’s closer to 40, Brittney looks like. It sounds so incredibly vain and stupid, but it’s reality. My 30s have been full of identity crises, especially in the fashion department. The two years of the pandemic/autism/ABA therapy meant sweatpants and workout wear. Before that, I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now and dressed for work, but it was all thrifted with whatever fit and matched. While in rewind, before that, I owned a fitness company. IE, I wore workout clothes every day. It feels like for the last umpteen years; I have been wearing the moment, not the style I want to be. My style is between romance, vintage, fairycore, and dark academia. I can’t wait to explore that more in 2023.
Lastly, travel has been a whole thing. The story I have to tell after a trip fuels my passion for the daily grind.
I love to go. To get in the car and explore a new place, a destination we haven’t gone to before. See, the problem is that it takes money. Not to say we don’t have any, but I have to keep it realistic. I have to save to have these grand excursions. I am so being honest with myself and looking into it. Next year, keeping that in mind is the most significant step in being successful. I need to go, to be in nature, feeling my soul is whole. I need to experience new to appreciate the now. Escapes are essential; however frequently I can do that is a key to ensuring my year is successful.
That’s it. The confessional, the year-end resolution, if you will. It’s about writing my story the way I want to, living in the moments as they come, just like crocheting this blanket is about getting through it one week at a time.
